1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
