Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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