I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize