Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
