trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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