There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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