I wish my penis had an off switch
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
