member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
