I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
