I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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