A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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