It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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