2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
