A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Who died my cat blue again?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize