You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you win again, gameday.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize