I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
