I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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