Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
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