Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
