Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
