I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize