Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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