So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
