Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
