he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize