i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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