Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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