i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
