New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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