Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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