My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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