Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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