When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
