My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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