i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
