i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize