Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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