So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
