Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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