Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
