and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
this is an emotional support booty call
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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