He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize