mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize