the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
