Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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