yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
