So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
