So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
