i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
