i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
