I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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