I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
In America we eat man semen.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
