I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize