I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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