i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i out mim tonsoeep
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