Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
