I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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