Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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