I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
