I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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