If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
