My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
