Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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