Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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