Screwed.edu
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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