You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
