I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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