I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
