That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
