I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize