I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
